Tonight I had a talk with my boyfriend who i just got back with by the way... that talk made me realize that unknowingly I developed self esteem issues over the last few months. Exactly when I don't know. However I am finding that more and more I have become obsessed with my increasing weight and I am always feeling conscious about how i look this days. I always feel fat. I have even tried drinking a lot of diet pills and tried other ways how to loose weight, not caring if they are dangerous for me or what there side effects are. Now i realize those are plainly stupid things that got me nowhere but in a place where I begun to loathe how i look, overlooking the fact that nobody else can make me feel ugly but me. My self image got immersed in my weight issues. I begun feeling that to be beautiful i have to be reed thin.
I know I won't be cured of this insanity overnight but I know I have to start sometime and now is a good time. I don't want to wake up one day realizing I've gone to the extreme and God forbid develop psychological issues such as bulimia or anorexia.
For starter's I will have to stay away as much as possible from mirrors. Mirrors are great because they let you see yourself yet for someone with weight issues such as myself it is also fatal. Every time I look in mirrors I see a fat girl who should stop consuming carbohydrates. The mirror and the image it reflects back at me has become my enemy. When I look at the mirror everything i wear doesn't fit or i look like a big sack. Right now to make myself better I should try not to find reasons to hate how i look. For now mirrors are only allowed for necessity and NOT for vanity.
Secondly, I should NOT require myself to never eat anything. I should just try as much as possible to eat healthy and always drink water. The problem with depriving myself of anything I now realize is I end up eating more than I would have eaten have I not made myself not eat in the first place.
Third, I should always make gym and exercise a part of my life. For more than a week now I haven't been to the gym. First it was because I got sick and so it was necessary to rest and then when I was already well, my employee chooses to go home for a vacation and so I was forced to be in my business, having no more time for gym. Starting tomorrow, I would find as much time as I can to go to the gym because from experience I lack the self motivation to do it by myself at home and having someone who tells me to do it is the only way.
Fourth and perhaps the hardest to hurdle, i will have to find outlets and a way to let go of my emotional baggage. After the break up of my parents marriage I have gone downhill from there. Suddenly finding myself having to act as the head of the family, having to be there for my mom and my sisters and dealing with my other issues proved to be too much. I forgot how to deal with myself. I actually do not know how to start about fixing this one but I know I gotta try. Maybe surrounding myself with positive people will help and being with people who truly loves me will also aid in my recovery.
Acknowledging and becoming aware that I do have these problems actually helps because now that I know about them, I can try fixing them. See, I never even realized that along the way I have become so emotionally crippled that writing down my thoughts and my feelings have become almost impossible. I found I couldn't write about anything for a long period of time. So tonight being able to write this blog, although doesn't cure my problems.. it's a start.
